It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.

10 things i'd like to tell people but never will:

1.lets fuck

2.I'd like to give you a go as well

3. I'm still bitter about how you treated me and about how you treat our friendship now.

4.Part of me wishes we could be friends like the way we use to be, even though i know you're not a good friend.

5.I don't really understand the relationship we have, i have an idea of why it is the way it is and i know it's partially my fault but still it's strange and you know it. I think certain aspects of it may have some ill affects on my self esteem....eventually.

6. I love you to death because you understand me so well and actually enjoy my company, yet i feel like you've abandoned me in a way

7. Sometimes we disagree, actually we do a lot and i freak out sometimes but at the same time i we share a lot of the same views and opinions and have good conversations. That's why i'm glad we are good friends now and i want it to stay that way...even if we do butt heads sometimes.

8. I love you to death and could never think of any reason why i wouldn't. stay true baby girl. ilu.

9. i enjoy having someone that i can things to without fear of judgement or fear of other people finding out ...i don't know it's just weird that at this point in my life that person happens to be you. thanks for listening to my bull crap.

10. One day i like you and the next day i really do want to see you at all. I think it's because even though i think you're fun to hang out with...i don't trust you at all.

Bonus #11. Please Go Away Forever.

when i update my livejournal.
hahahhaahahahhahhah.

A. Select random on your mp3 player/media player.
B. List the first five songs and what they mean to you.
C. Tag five different people.

1.I Can't Win by The Strokes: Reminds me of Helen and Tanya. Tanya's playlist stroke the mice. current state of mind.
Tag: Blake ;)

2. The Wizard by Black Sabbath: Reminds me of walking on the bike path, rocking out, my cape that i used to have, My dad dancing around the living room, wizards?
Tag:Nate Sutton (obvs)

3.Golden Brown by The Stranglers: Reminds me of helen telling me i'm golden brown, pirates, mr. buns, potatoes, roasting marshmellows.
Tag:Beans

4.Say it ain't so by Weezer: Reminds me of guitar hero or rock band i can't remeber which. matt trhan becase he likes this song, something that's overplayed, buddy holly, mary tyler moore, blake lutell, zach lobo, hahahhaahhahahahahahah whatever.
Tag:who knows.

5. i'm not okay by MCR!:
Reminds me of being so glad that this song comes on my ipod all the time, blake, blake's car, jamming around town, tanya's livejournal, 8th grade, not being okay.
Tag:Tanya



that was a joke.

It was stressful and exciting all at the same time.
Although pointless seeing as what my long term plan for everything is.
or do i even know what that is yet?
hmmmmm?
Anyway , i missed the old building, i have so many classes in there this year.
I probably am crushing on the new history teacher i have, mr. davis, but no one can replace mr. richardson.
I don't have any classes with him this year though :(

I really like my jewlery making class, i had it today and i just listened to this gangsta dyke sammie G talk about her girlfriend and their vibrator, which i enjoyed of course.
No miss walther though, she left, it's dissapointing.
No mr. cote either, but i have no doubt i'll become friendly with the new principal, one way or another i always ened up in that office.

I have Black Experience with mr. hevey too, i really like him so far.

It's weird being an older student at school, all the freshmen are like babies and i feel so old.

I marked my nickname as beans on all the information surveys i filled out, with hopes that all my teachers will refer to me as only that.
Seeing as very few of them can grasp the simple pronounciation of my actual name.

i think that pretty much covers it all.

I'm so thristy right now.

i want time to stop right here, right now.
oh! endless summer.

Friday i was in a walking mood.
So i walked the whole entire bike path.
I back tracked even to cover it all and walked back and forth on the dyke.
And i walked on all the cool trails i used to as a kid.
It gave me a chance to think and i felt so good after.
I really need to get back in my walking mood, i forgot how good it felt.

Mostly because i'm only  the most complete version of my actual self when i'm alone and walking.
I wish i could be that way all the time, around everyone.
But i'm a complete social retard.
I make bad impresions.
Lie to myself to decieve others and i'm just not me.

I think it must either be social anxiety or the fact that i don't want to be myself completely because i don't want to trust other people like that.
I trust very few people, now more than ever.

The way i see it is if people can assume and judge and hurt me without actually knowing me, then it would be a lot worse if they actually did. 
That would be so much worse.
But i have people that i can confide in without remorse so it works.

I spent this Saturday till this morning at my nana's house.
I WENT AWAY TO GRANDMA"S HOUSE LOLOLOLZZZZZZZzzzzzZZZ.
It's one of my favorite places in the world.
Saturday, my uncle had a cook out, and i saw my mom's whole family and some family friends i hadn't seen in a while, it was really nice.
Westport's landscape is so beautiful.

Then sunday i went to the beach with my mom, my aunt, my nana, and my cousin cody.
I got some belated summer color.
And my FIRST SUNBURN EVER!
It's on my upper thighs only and it really sucks.
I didn't get it anywhere else on my leg though, so that's good.
I caught a ton of jellyfish and threw them all over my cousin cody.
And i built a lovely sandcastle.

My uncle let me drive him everywhere too.
He said i did really well, and i should take driving leasons soon.
Time to get out on the open road.

Then i just stayed up talking to my nana.
She my favorite person in the world (or one of them) and i had missed her a lot so it was a long over-do talk.
Gotta love the g-ma.

Now i just have to see my friends and i'll be the happiest girl in the world.
not-so secret lake, maybe?

Summer  seems to be slowly slipping in.
And i need it more than ever.
This winter was miserable in some senses.
or maybe all.
But it's getting better now.
The sun's back.
And i think eventually i'll be where i want to be.

Right now i' working on getting a summer job and a new bike with a basket.
And summer clothes.
i want color.

I need to finish my research paper and maybe give allen ginsberg the respect he deserves, and i know i have for him.
BUT,i really  have no ambition to compose a paper of regenerated thoughts, though.
i want to come up with my own thoughts and words,not collect someone else's.
At least i'm putting my new journal to excellent use.
I can't imagine not pouring my emotion into a least something, even if it is a bound mess of doodles, scattered thoughts, and my shitty way of expressing optimism.
Mostly i just draw deer.

This is the time of the year where i love walking. i'd walk any where right now, but i need purpose. I think that might be my problem with everything. I think it all needs some sort of purpose. I think i need a purpose. But i don't know if i ahve one.

I wanted to update with some newly discovered personal relization,but i lost my thoughts like scattered marbles.
Which means it probably wasn't important.

School should end soon,
These next few weeks will probably go by so slow.

Another school year is almost over.
Oddly enough it's the first year that i've been in high school that didn't completely through me in some emotional loop.
Everything seems to be good.
Everything seems to be coming together nicely and i have very little complaints.
which i know, is very unusal for me.

Maybe i've finally just matured in some ways.
There's still all those good,bad, and ugly things to deal with but i deal with them now, instead of just crying and feeling sorry for myself and looking for someone to blame it all on.
and i've accepted that somethings are just never going to work out no matter how hard you try and how much you want them too.

i think i might be happy.

 I'm getting effortless c's in all my classes.
The chocolate war was very appeasing.
I get to write a research paper on allen ginsberg.
mrs.leiderman is the best english teacher i've ever had although i sometimes neglect to see it.
Prom's next week, i'm going and i think it's going to be fun.
I love my dress.
Reading the hobbit in the chair of the back corner of the library still comforts me.
I actually like this doctor even if she is out of touch.
my friends and the people i love have always been and will always be the most wonderful people you could ever hope to meet,
 but they have their flaws.
 My family is divided down the middle.
But i know it's for the better.
I don't actually believe that i am a "stupid selfish cunt" for the most part.
i have four full journals from 2007 alone.
And i'm not going to destroy these ones because i'm no longer ashamed of embarassed by the way i feel.
I live in a new town that is so unfamilar to me and that's pleasing.
I feel like there ar so many things to explore.
i love my fathers good qualities.
But hate our similarities.
I wish my mom would express more feeling.
i wish i would express less.
I wish my brother didn't hate me for this whole thing.
but like alwasy i stir the fucking shit.
I want to see amazing things i've never seen before.
I'm looking forward to the idle summer days.
I inticipating going barefoot, lime green popsicles, and the sun.
I love that my diet consists of lots of vitamin water, strawberries, granola bars, and chinese food.
I no longer so desparatly want  someone to love me as much as i want someone to listen, someone that i can trust, someone that comforts me in some offset way.
I love working out on the gazelle.
i'm always going to be chubby, thick, curvy or how ever you want to put it.
I will always envy tall skinny girls.
I miss my cats, i hope they're okay.
I have a new pack of oil paints that i can't help but love the smell of.
i'm  gunna paint my masterpiece or at least something colorful.
If my history teacher, mr.richardson were my age i'd want to date him.
i want to go swimming anywhere and everywhere.
I love overly large bathtubs and looking under water.
i want to buy a bike for this summer.
I will never drive.
I need to find a job.
i need to have a good conversation with some realizations.
I need to smoke more pot.
I need to quit smoking cigarettes.
My serotonin levels are up to par.
and i put that ol' razor sharp edge down.
I'm only have anxiety in amounts that i can handle.
I want to buy about four books.
i made a playlist to my life that  is for my own personal enjoyment.
i love being a fruit.
I smell like soap.
and i'm eating frosted flakes with fresh strawberries.



It'sall good baby baby.

Suddenly everything just blew up in my face.
It all got to crazy for a while.
good drugs.
bad drugs.
good people.
bad habits.
realization.
agrevation.
hospitalization.
seperation.
slowly sliding further down.

It's good that i realize now that even if things feel like they're falling apart, they're going to get better.
It'll all work out eventually, though i'm not sure on what terms.
But i have faith.....the shit luck i have will change along with all that i'm content with, but i'm completly ready for it.
I'll get mine, they'll get theres, life goes on blah blah blah.

i say BRING IT ON.

I want to see the eternal red glow of summer.
i fucking long for it in fact.
Winter's too long and miserable....this one especially.
At least i'm getting to be happy, and i mean geniunely like mojority of the time not at all covering up happy.
It's the first time i've felt this good in a long while.
So it's good goood good good good.
Maybe now i can shapen my life out somewhat, although oderliness and planning have never been my selected forte.
I going to make an efort to try at least though.
no more dicking around.
Because even if i'm not succesful, i at least need to work and figure out how i can get the hell away from himn, everything and all the shit and live comfortably.

That's what i want most right now comfort and happiness.
And a fucking golden tan

Sometimes life throws you in a loop.
A loop where you learn how to occupy your time with chemically controlled thoughts about nothing and all about the infamous butler handjobs.

And most importantly you realize that all the things you love in life that make it worth liveing are all still there and if you play your cards right, always will be. It's funny what it took to make me realize that.

It's time to cut some shit out as well.

So well....it's my 17th birthday.
17 years isn't that long of a period of time but i feel older than the hills.
age to perfection eh?
hahahahahahahahahaha.
Atari's concert with Tanya tonight, probably the best way i could think of to spend a birthday.
Yeah, this is gunna be a good one.

I think i only update my livejournal when i'm bored or depressed, so there's hardly anything i write in it that's worth reading. But hey, at least i'm not writing a list of sorts with every mindless task i do to spend my days. i hate that.

Life as of lately has had little to dissapoint me, but nothing exordinary either. It just is.
I've been really sick on and off for about a week and a half.
I puke a lot. Reminds me of times when things where surprisingly better, although at the time i thought it was the worst of it all. But, it's not worth recalling, it'll never go back.
Maybe i'm just making myself physically sick because when i have to go to school where everything, and i mean everything, there proves to me all the worries and doubts i have about human nature or society or the world are true. It's not just some shitty teenage perspective of "the whole world sucks". The whole world actually fucking sucks. All these social and psychological happenings, i witmess, that's what the rest of my life is going to be like.
So yeah i'm sick.

No more of this belonging, or rejection, rebellion or trying to find myself.
I'm just going to be sick, and stay sick.
And hopefully fadddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.




\\





this is all really just complete and utter bullshit.

wtf.

I long for the southern states.

Well, the good news is that for the most part 2007 has been better than 2006.
The bad news, is that it's only five days into )& and there is plenty of oppotunity for things to go astray.
Which garanteed they're going to.
But i have HIGH HOPES.
Spring should come soon.
I'm tired of this sad excuse for a Winter. With it's capability of being still as depressing as a winter with below zero weather.

Well, now this is going to be interesting.

3 Days until Christmas. 
i don't know why it's making me so anxious, but it is.
Not the good anxious either, the i could freak out at any moment and start hyperventilating kind of anxiety that's bound to do me in.
it's a real killer. no joke.

It's too warm for Decemeber but, eh i'm not complaining.
But Al Gore is apparently.
global warming, eh? what are you going to do?

Mission for this vacation. Find some kind of work. anykind. really.
I have a feeling that the first step will have to be stop playing this suite life of zach and cody game.
Then unglue my eyes from this computer screen.

What's the point in writing into an advice page about a problem the clearly requires imidiate attention?
like, hi i'm bleeding imensely, got any advice.
So i  decided to start an advice page
http://www.advicenators.com/column.php?u=Kali7890

There's two small boys playing table hockey with books.
And they say modern kids don't appreciate literature.

THIS IS COMPLETLY RELIVENT
I'm tired and depressed all the time, i snap when i shouldn't and there's nothing that will satisfy me.
I'd like to say that i don't feel quite like myself, but those who know me will know that thats a lie.
oh wait, no one knows me, it's not worth the effort.
I've been trying extra hard to act like i feel "okay".
I do this by remanining silent and not talking, like i've always done.
My whole life i've been so quite and unsure of weather or not it's okay to express the feeling of sadness.
People generally don't like you when you're sad all the time.
Some people tell me i always look sad and yet others seem to say that i'm always smiling.
So i don't know what to think on the topic of people's perspective when it comes to me.
I'm really confused.
I know i've said this all before but these feelings are now more apparent than ever before.
I'm dealing with it differently than i have in the past, which i suppose is a good thing, but i want to figure out how to stop myself from feeling this way at all. Not just deal with it until it passes ans goes away for a while then comes back.

I know that all of what i am saying is very unclear but it's the only way i can descibe it.

My mom didnt pay the phone bill, so my landline is cut off.
first the internet went, then cable, then cell phones, and now this. 
So it would be vertually impossible for me to in any way communicate with the outside worl from my home.
But hey, what do i have to talk to people about anyway.
And there is always updating my livejournal.
So DON"T WORRY i won't fade out of existence.
I know that no one is worried anyway.

I prefer sleeping on the couch than in my own bed.
i hate my own bed.

Robin Henry has made new friends in yoga.
And i genuinly am very upset about it.
i love that crazy bitch.

I'm rereading The Neverending story.
It's queer, but i wish it wasn't fictional.
And i wish things that are far to real were fiction.
I wish i could deal with the everyday normal rutine, but i can't.
I really can't.

Also i need ideas for a costume to wear to a halloween party.
hah.

I have weird rituals for sundays.
I think i just try anything to keep myself occupied.
I get to wraped up in "the bad" if i don't stay occupied.
Everything I do is some desperate attempt to keep myself occupied.
Maybe it's just so i don't have to face reality.
I tend to become to depressed when i think of things that i consider to be too real.
fuck reality though.
I'm going to start living in my imagination.
More so than I already do.
People don't work for me anyway.
At least not without being dissapointing

I love my friend, more than they could ever know.
i just wish i wasn't so unsure of myself that i doubt if they feel the same.

I got my progress report yesterday.
i'm starting to do well again.
thats one step closer to the place i want to be.
I can only hope that once i get to that place i won't be dissapointed.
Maybe i'm just too hard to please.